Infertility sucks, I know it sucks so bad that it makes you doubt yourself and your relationship. It makes you upset at your body and unfortunately it is one of these things that your friends and family have trouble understand unless they have been through it themselves. Only a few people understand the pain that you feel after taking your 10th pregnancy test and finding out that it is negative.... once again!! People might think you are obsessive and some people say you are doing this to yourself by being so stressed out.. YOU even say that to yourself, you blame yourself for not getting pregnant.
Sentences like these ones kill you:-"it will happen when you stop thinking about it" -"It's okay, just enjoy not having kids for now" -"maybe you should just go on a holiday". You nod and just feel completely misunderstood. It feels like people are denying your suffering and sometimes you definitely feel like you are complaining too much, after all "be grateful you're healthy and you have a roof over your head"... this sentence is very irritating!!
Infertility sucks!! the pills, the hormones, the needles in your tummy. At the end of my first ivf treatment my belly was all bruised from the daily shots. The hormones make you cry, you are more sensitive than you ever was...I got into arguments with family members on every single IVF treatment i had. On top of that you might even feel sleepy, thank you progesterone!
Oh and did i mention you go and show your private parts every 3 days to nurses and doctors?? yeah... that is NOT the best feeling ever!! Your doctors might be the nicest one on earth, those ultrasounds and exams always feel very awkward.
And should we talk about the cost of IVF, it is quite pricey and what happens if it doesn't work? yes all this money for nothing?!! For some the money doesn't matter but for others it does. All those contradictory thoughts that are so hard to deal with. They tell you not to stress but when you add up the money + the hormones+ the fear it might not work I can tell you that you end up with a pretty stressed outlook on everything.
Infertility sucks, it might even make you jealous of your own friends. I hated this one! I'm the type of person who truly wants the best for everyone but one time I got that little pinch in my heart when a friend of mine told us she was pregnant and I remember that they were laughing because it was an accident! Only women battling infertility will understand the feeling I had that day. Jealousy is never pretty and I am not proud of this one.
Miscarriages unfortunately go hand in hand with infertility, some women will suffer more than one in a life time and I believe miscarriages to be strongly underestimated. To loose the baby you have been waiting for is devastating even if you were only 4 weeks pregnant. Of course, you pick up yourself and keep on going, telling yourself that a miscarriage is better than a very unhealthy baby or a still birth or loosing a child later on in life. But the problem is exactly here, because you hear and tell yourself that it could have been worse, you are denying yourself the right to grieve. 8th of February is the approximative due date the doctors had given me for my really first baby to be born. Unfortunately we never got to meet him or her, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks of pregnancy. "Between 10 to 25% of pregnancies end up in a miscarriage", "it's okay, you will be pregnant again honey" they tell you. Trust me, it doesn't help to know this. I was loosing so much blood and I just knew that this little being I already loved was leaving my body. A week before I was thinking of names! It is not okay! I was not okay! If you are recovering well I'm happy for you, you will be able to bounce back much faster and that's great. If you're not doing so well, be gentle to yourself and take the time you need to grieve.
Infertility sucks! BUT Maybe two or three years from now or maybe sooner you will be holding your little baby in your arms and your fight against infertility will finally appear completely worth it. Contrary to what they tell you, you will never forget how hard you fought for this beautiful little child but at last you will feel at peace with your body and your mind. You'll be able to smell your baby's hair and feel complete and if i were to ask you: 'would you go through all these struggles over again?" in a heart beat you would tell me 'yes, absolutely'.
Once, a woman who had her baby through iVF told me: "Believe it will happen, because it will!!" If you desire to become a mother and your husband a father then it will happen. It might not be the way you wanted it to be, you might wait for a long time, you might try different treatments or you might just go ahead and adopt but you will become parents.
Start visualising yourself as a parent, I remember myself already buying clothes for my babies even though they were not even conceived. I just wanted to stay positive and wanted to believe that it was going to happen!
Be kind to yourself, remember what you are going through is hard and even if it is not well understood by your loved ones, know deep inside that you are being strong.
Eat healthy, drink healthy, stay active.
Find the right doctor for you, the one that makes you feel at ease, trust your team and trust science.
Be grateful, a little anecdote: For my first son we got very lucky and i got pregnant with our first IVF cycle. For the twins, it took 3 cycles, the hormones were messing my mind up and I just could not stay positive. I was kind of depressed and angry all the time (the pills were doing that to me). I always wanted a big family but I was in such a state of mind that at that point I wasn't sure I wanted to try IVF again. I wasn't well, therefor I took my son and went to my happy place, Los Angeles. I stayed there 10 days, I went to all the places I wanted to see. My son and I were our feet in the sand almost every day and on Santa Monica pier, as I was crying behind my sunglasses, listening to a man singing the most beautiful songs, I told myself: "one more try" but this time I was determined to make it a positive experience. It was mid April, I just had returned from LA, I had celebrated my birthday up in the air. The weather was nice and I was going on walks as often as I could. I kept busy so the treatment felt faster and easier. I was a lot happier and relax. Every night I was thanking the universe for my babies to be and I had a calendar for my pills and shots where I drew colourful figures of a little boy and a little girl. On that calendar, I had written in colours, thank you for my baby boy and my baby girl.
9 months later I gave birth to a baby boy and a baby girl.
Infertility sucks but you will become a parent... Brace yourself, be positive and fight hard. It is all worth it.